


Hold You

by Super_Clexa



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers is So Done, Angst, Character Death, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Sad Lena Luthor, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Temporary Character Death, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23906344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Super_Clexa/pseuds/Super_Clexa
Summary: Lena feels lost in the world without Kara Danvers in her life.  It wasn’t just that Kara wasn’t in her life … Kara didn’t even exist in the world anymore.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  This wasn’t the plan.  Kara was supposed to still be around so Lena could go on resenting her for a little longer.  But now … Kara wasn’t somewhere Lena could follow her.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers
Comments: 34
Kudos: 73





	1. A Piece Of Me Has Died

**Author's Note:**

> So, an idea that just kind of came to me and since my laptop is fixed, I know more about laptops than I have in a really long freaking time, I figured, why not? My old account Clexa_is_my_life has been inactive for nearly two months and so my friend kindly helped me make a new account to post.
> 
> Also, want to mention that someone reported my works for absolutely no reason probably because they were mad about these links, but I want whoever that was to realize that I do not force anyone to pay to read my works because it is offered here for free. Should this happen again, I will just stop posting here entirely, which I don’t want to do, just because of petty people who think that it’s oh so unfair to wait a little longer for updates. I was reported nearly seven weeks ago, my fics taken down until the investigation is over, and only four of the seven they blocked have come back, this being one of them, so as much as I enjoy having new readers, who read for free, I cannot tolerate this happening again because one of my readers even reached out to me via comment about looking for my story. Because of one, entirely unwarranted, person’s pettiness, they weren’t able to enjoy my work as intended. I was also quite upset over this and had no desire to write for nearly a full week because of how rude and cruel such a thing was. My friend and I talked at length about what I could have possibly done to warrant such a vicious reaction from someone and I figured it had to be because of my links even if these links are optional and I state as much each and every single time despite some people who constantly tell me the links are broken to get my works faster without considering that my work is still entirely free. Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to make it clear that I felt very attacked by this person reporting me on archive and making everyone who previously enjoyed my fics find that they have been removed, whether it is temporary or not for all of them remains to be seen as of now. Another little update, since COVID has been a bit harsher, I currently have everything new for free on my ko-fi.com/himemiyahikaru if anyone wants to go visit and read the crap ton of new stuff I have up there. I have been quite productive since COVID shut down my college and we moved to online. Seriously, I think I've written about 40,000 words in the last month! Enjoy please!
> 
> 姫宮光る

Chapter 1

A Piece Of Me Has Died

When did it all go wrong? Lena didn’t know how to process, how to comprehend, how to understand just what went wrong. Everything had been going as planned, she was supposed to trick Lex, and it had been going well, everything smooth and right. Up until Kara came in and traded places with Lena somehow, going down for the cause. How did this happen? This wasn’t the plan; this wasn’t what was supposed to happen from Lena’s meticulously detailed plans. What happened? How did this happen? Lena couldn’t explain with words, couldn’t quite see where, in her memories, things diverted far beyond what she had calculated, what she had predicted and put into action like a set of dominos, like puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly one by one. Everything had been planned and executed so beautifully … so how did … where did Kara come in? Lena had only ever cried several times in her life … almost every instance was in Kara’s embrace or presence before Kara would envelop her in the security of her warm, comforting embrace, bringing a peace Lena didn’t know she could feel.

It felt like a piece of Lena was gone, destroyed.

Everything happened so quickly. Her plan had been working and Lex had been so eager, too eager to realize he had played right into her hands. Not a single thing was out of place and Lena had set it up so that if nothing else worked, they would die together because she wasn’t going to let Lex continue to hurt other people. She had killed him once before, so she could most definitely do it again for the good of all people.

Lena had been ready, everything in place and nothing could possibly go wrong with how smoothly her plans had unfolded. It was like a chess match in which every move she made captured the essential pieces that were quickly coming along to allow for her to victoriously call out ‘Check Mate’ the moment the last piece fell to her strategic, painstakingly thought out preparations for this very moment, so long awaited now. And because of how easily everything was falling into place, Lena should have realized that something was wrong, that real life was never this neat and clean, that something would always go wrong because life was messy and often times things just didn’t go exactly as planned no matter how well thought out and perfectly executed. Lena only had herself to blame for this.

_I don’t want to be involved in what’s right and wrong_

_The flower in my heart has withered and it can’t go back_

_I hope to wash away vanity and brush off this dusty ash_

_I will toast to you and talk until we are drunk_

She should have known, should have planned for this, should have realized that, of course, Kara would find out and would never allow herself to be sacrificed in the process of killing her brother. One moment, Lena was getting herself hooked up, just precious seconds apart from Lex, who would never endanger himself if he wasn’t overly confident that Lena would never sacrifice herself for the greater good of all species in the universe. This belief in human instinct to survive led him to believe that he was in the clear if Lena was also willing to hook herself up to the monitor that she had helped create. It took only a few seconds for him to fully hook himself up and Lena was nearly finished herself when out of nowhere, a streak faster than the human eye, prevented Lena from completely putting the device on her head. Lex, in his fury and overly cautious, paranoid mind, always carried some form of Kryptonite on him, making sure to be prepared for any Kryptonian’s appearance. He brought the gun out, clearly ready for something like this happening and shot Kara, having aimed for Lena and knowing she would never allow that, and Kara crumpled to the floor, but it was already too late for him.

Within the few precious seconds everything occurred, not even a full minute had passed just yet, Lex joined Kara on the ground, grasping at the wiring of the device on his head, attempting to take it off, but it was too late. The damage was done. Lena had guaranteed the lethal weapon to kill Lex quickly so that he wouldn’t even know what had happened until it was already too late and he would be dead within mere minutes of putting the device on his head. He would never be able to handle the things she had incorporated into the device, the agony that it was meant to cause and overload his brain easily.

Lex managed a single, strained chuckle before he fell to his knees and within two minutes, he was already dead. Kara, for her part, looked like she was bleeding out, a bloody pool of blood already gathering on the floor where she lay, a look of pure agony on her face as she tried to stem the flow of blood around her wounded torso. Lena fell to her knees immediately.

“Kara! What have you done, Kara?”

A smile, blood seeping out of the corners of her mouth, appeared.

_I don’t want to be involved in what’s right and wrong_

_The flower in my heart has withered and it can’t go back_

_Memories go back and forth, it hurts my heart_

_I hope that I only have this regret the rest of my life_

Lena’s heart felt like it was dying with the woman on the ground, the once blue material that made up the majority of her suit becoming stained with her blood. In fact, Lena’s heart felt like a flower that had been in the hot desert sun for far too long, the kind that wasn’t meant to be in such withering heat causing it to wilt away. “I was … saving you, of course, Lena. Why … wouldn’t I?”

The way Kara said it … like it should have been the most obvious thing in the world, made Lena’s heart ache even more. None of this was supposed to happen because Kara wasn’t supposed to find out.

“You … stupid, stupid … fool … you weren’t supposed to … come here!” Lena was beside herself with grief, paralyzing fear. Her heart was beating far too quickly, so quickly it felt like it was trying to beat out of her chest, and Lena almost couldn’t breathe. “Why would you come here, Kara? You weren’t supposed to be here, damn it!” Lena was frantic, feeling a panic she didn’t know she could feel.

That damn smile, so accepting of what was to come. Lena wasn’t nearly as accepting of this as Kara was. “It’s okay, Lena, really, it’s okay.”

Lena shook her head, memories of the time they had spent together since the first moment they met passing through her, like how people said the moments before death, every life memory will flash in someone’s mind’s eye. Well, instead of Lena being the one dying it was Kara, and Lena was remembering every moment they had spent together as friends, best friends, and … something that could have been more, might have been more if their circumstances had been different in their lives. Lena’s heart hurt looking back at every single moment they’d ever spent together, every memory making this even more painful than it already was.

“Stop, Kara. This is _not_ okay. Not a single part of this is okay. How can _any_ of this be okay, Kara?”

_I wish there are no regrets for the rest of my life_

_I have no regrets for the rest of my life_

_Spring and autumn, life and death, glitz and glory_

_Let’s get drunk again when the flowers are in bloom_

Kara unexpectedly jolted up slightly and blood came spurting out of her mouth, splattering like a macabre Jackson Pollock painting all over the white floor in red splotches. Lena was horrified by the sight. This could not be happening right now, this wasn’t, couldn’t be real life, right? Except it was and, Lena had no idea how long it had been, the other members of Kara’s group of friends were filtering in frantically, surrounding the two and trying to talk to Lena. She couldn’t really hear them over the sound of her heart beating wildly in her chest, couldn’t feel them as reality was too far away from her, being so far removed from what was actually happening. Her mind was going around in circles, looping the memories they had made over the years. Their friendship from the very beginning, that first moment when Clark had gone to interview Lena before she rebranded LuthorCorp into L-Corp and Kara had been there too for reasons Lena couldn’t quite fathom. Everything had been so simple then, nothing to complicate their easy acquaintanceship. And then with a single meeting, everything changed.

The memory of how Kara had approached her while she was working in a café came to mind, lost in a world of emails as a CEO to one of the world’s largest companies. Lena had always been in control even then, never faltering towards her lofty goals. Kara had approached her, and Lena was a moth drawn to the warmth of Kara’s sunshine personality, a human embodiment (from her past knowledge anyways) of the sun. She was the literal sun in human form to Lena. Lena did not have the strength to say no to Kara when she’d challenged her to eating all of the appetizers she’d bought for herself to eat alone. After all, Kara was so trim, so how could she possibly eat everything she’d ordered with such a nice figure?

Lena wished she could go back to those simpler times, before all of this mess happened.

_I don’t want to be involved in what’s right and wrong_

_The flower in my heart has withered and it can’t go back_

_I hope to wash away vanity and brush off this dusty ash_

_I will toast to you and talk until we’re drunk_

Everyone came around to find a way to save Kara, to get the Kryptonite bullet lodged in Kara’s stomach out. Dr. Hamilton and Alex were working in tandem to keep Kara from bleeding out on the operating table. Winn was helping with monitoring Kara’s vitals while Brainy was working on helping Kara with a synthetic blood transfusion since Kara had no veritable blood type match among the entire human race. Brainy was able to come up with a way to synthesize a type of Kryptonian blood for Kara during the surgery since she’d already lost a considerable amount of blood.

Lena was a nervous wreck and had decided to stay on site at the DEO, but was not in the immediate area in order to keep herself from drinking herself into a drunk stupor, not to say that she didn’t have a glass of wine in hand as she stood in a private area, swirling the red liquid in her glass absentmindedly. Of course, she preferred mostly bourbons and whiskeys, but she didn’t want to drink hard liquor. A little wine never hurt anyone, though she tended to drink excessively when she was feeling particularly hard on herself or stressed, usually a combination of both mostly. But right now, she needed to keep herself completely sober. In fact, Lena had barely sipped at the wine thus far, mostly just swirling the liquid in the glass as she stood against a desk, staring the patterns she created by whirling it around in the stemmed glass. Lena put the glass up, as if toasting someone, and took a single, large gulp before setting it down on the desk once more and gently, elegantly, making circles with the glass, watching as the liquid spun within the confines of the glass with inattentive eyes.

Kara had been in surgery for just over half an hour and it felt like a lifetime had already passed since it had started. Lena’s heart ached, felt like it was covered in dust from how long she’d been waiting. This was all Lex’s fault somehow. Kara was a constant in Lena’s life, had been for years now. When Lena first started fixing L-Corp’s image, she hadn’t wanted to be involved much in doing what was wrong over what was wrong, she didn’t want to right her brother’s wrongs in that way. No. Lena wanted a fresh start. She wanted to inspire change and good with her own merits and not just by fixing what Lex had broken and destroyed in his madness and quest for Superman’s death. But then Kara came into her life and changed all of that by just believing in her continuously. There was a single moment of doubt, one moment of weakness in which Kara had accused Lena of things she would never do and then the ultimate betrayal. But in all of their friendship … that wasn’t much. Shouldn’t everything else that had happened between them far outweigh these two instances of emotional vulnerability? Lena didn’t know what the right answer was. All she knew was that if she could, she would forgive Kara in an instant should she survive. Lena wasn’t optimistic about Kara’s survival.

_I wish there are no regrets for the rest of my life_

_I have no regrets for the rest of my life_

_Spring and autumn, life and death, glitz and glory_

_Let’s get drunk again when the flowers are in bloom_

After nearly two hours of waiting … Lena got her answer in the form of Alex coming into her office, face ashen, too pale. Alex looked like she just lost the most important person in her life and Lena knew … without words, that Kara was gone now.

“No. No.” Lena was shaking her head as Alex came closer and closer to her desk. Alex didn’t say a single word, just pulled Lena into her embrace and Lena fell into it, fell into the person who had become her close friend before everything went wrong and the person who was the most closely related to her Kara Danvers. At first, Lena didn’t do much more than sink into the comfort. Slowly but surely, she was mentally breaking down every box she’d put her feelings and emotions about Kara Danvers into, every happy memory and flush of joy from her mere presence, came flooding out as if it had any right. Lena felt herself become bereft, completely emotionally overwhelmed. It felt like she was emotionally bleeding to death, pricked by emotional hemophilia, and now she was dying as much as the woman she loved more than anything.

“I’m sorry … we couldn’t …” Alex shook her head, “we couldn’t save her.” And then Alex broke down into tears, sobbing uncontrollably, and they clung onto each other knowing that she was gone and there was nothing they could do about it now. Kara Danvers … no, Kara Zor-El, has died. A piece of Lena has died with her. The compassion she once felt to do the right thing was gone, gone with Kara’s life. Lena felt like her heart had been torn into two halves, one of half dead with Kara, turned into ashes of love, love she felt for Kara, love she still feels now. It never went away. Lena just buried it in a box deep within the recesses of her mind but now it was like a waterfall cascading through her, overflooding Lena’s system and causing every memory she tried to bury away to come right to the surface. How was she supposed to live without her, without Kara?

_May this time of life no longer wither_

_I wait for the flowers to bloom again_

_May this time of life no longer wither_

_Then look back and taste the aftertaste of wine_

Lena was lost in a daze. She’d gone to the funeral, the wake after, stayed, lingered in the presence of the people who had helped raise Kara, helped shape her life for the better. Alex, Eliza, Clark, Lois, and even Alura had made it. The woman was beside herself with grief, mourning the loss of her only child. Kara had survived so much only to die like this, and Lena could not accept that this was the end. How could it be? This was _not_ reality. No way.

_I wish there are no regrets for the rest of my life_

_I have no regrets for the rest of my life_

_Spring and autumn, life and death, glitz and glory_

_Let’s get drunk again when the flowers are in bloom_

Days turned into a week, a week turned into several, and before Lena knew it, she’d spent the better part of three months drunk. She used to be so dedicated to L-Corp, to making a profound change in the world, but these days she just wanted to go back to when Kara was still alive, to when Kara still existed and Lena was a planet orbiting the sun. There was that pain in her chest again, an aching twinge, a throb that felt like her heart was dying. Lena was spiraling without Kara there for Lena to resent until she inevitably forgave her, because there was no question in Lena’s mind that she would forgive her. It was how it went between them and how their relationship worked. Whenever there was some kind of misunderstanding, something went wrong, they didn’t agree on something, they would take the time needed for the other to get space and then … and then, they comforted each other. They forgave and became stronger for it but … that wasn’t possible now with Kara dead. If there was some way for Kara to come back to life, no matter what it was, Lena would take it, Lena would accept it in a heartbeat. Even if it meant that Lena had to exchange her life for it, she would do it immediately.

How was she supposed to live without her?

_I wish there are no regrets for the rest of my life_

There was one thing Lena regretted more than anything else in her life … and it was never having the chance to tell Kara … how she felt. It was the fact that Lena’s chance was stolen from her by Lex, her brother once again taking something, someone, important away from her. She took Supergirl and Kara away by poisoning her, making her almost regret meeting Kara in the first place, but this … this was worse, permanent. She was never going to get Kara back.

_A memory, my life and my heart are gone_

_Go back and taste the aftertaste of the wine_

_A memory, my life and my heart are gone_

_Go back and taste the aftertaste of the wine_

Lena had been wallowing in misery for so long it finally took Alex coming to visit her for her to realize nothing was going to bring Kara back from the dead and her wallowing would do nothing to remedy the situation or make her life easier. Alex came waltzing into Lena’s large apartment suite and, without any regard to her, told her to sober up and help her with something. It had actually been one of her lighter days of drinking despite all of the empty bottles around. Lena just hadn’t cleaned up the bottles in a while. Sam had intervened at some point and was constantly sending someone over to make sure Lena wasn’t dead, drunk, or passed out from drinking most days.

“You’d better sober up for this Lena, because I need your help … _we_ need your help, Lena.” Lena was barely processing, having been sleeping off her last drinking session. “If you want to help me save Kara, you’re going to sober the fuck up, Lena.” _That_ got Lena’s attention right away. She lifted her head, give Alex her full attention immediately.

“What? Really?” Lena was looking at Alex with so much hope in her gaze.

“You heard me, Lena. Brainy and I have been … looking for some way to … get Kara back since … everything.” Alex looked distant for a moment, recalling something. Lena had a feeling she knew where Alex’s mind had gone because she was often there as well. “But, anyways,” Alex said, shaking off her thoughts, “and we’ve been looking for ways to get Kara back. Lex came back after all, even though it was the Anti-Monitor, he still came back so Kara should be able to come back too. I can’t … I couldn’t stop thinking about it … and Brainy has been working non-stop, coming up with ideas. This is a long shot … but maybe you can help us?”

Lena was all too willing to lend a hand though. “How can I help?”


	2. Still, I Miss You

Chapter 2

Still, I Miss You

_I won’t go, I’ll just wait here_

_Like a fool crying beside you_

_I don’t know why you had to hurt me_

_I won’t leave, I’ll keep on waiting_

There were so many differences between this new world and the one that they’d left behind after Kara had fought to save something from the world that the anti-monitor had screwed up. Obviously, the anti-monitor was not the smartest person because bringing Lex Luthor back into the world was _never_ a good idea in _any_ world. But one thing that Lena could not cope with, was the fact that Kara was no longer alive in this new world. Lena missed her so much when it had been her own fault that she’d pushed Kara away so many times. Sure, Kara had lied for years of their relationship … but it was never … it should never have come down to this, to Kara dying for the greater good. No, never that and never like this either.

Lena had wasted so much time, so many months resenting Kara for lying to her face, for destroying her trust in others. But, in the end, Lena had been growing soft in her resentment, she had been thawing out the ice that had taken over after Lex had revealed Kara’s lies as a last-ditch attempt to ruin her life again. Well, he had succeeded considering how much time Lena had wasted in her anguish and turmoil. And now, now it was worse. Because why wouldn’t things get worse? Alex had shown Lena proof that no matter when, it wasn’t even a matter of when or how, she always reacted poorly. Kara had gone through the trouble of going to different countless timelines and recording the results each and every time and she always ended up hating Kara, resenting her, punishing her, saying cruel, callous things to her in response, and never once was the outcome good no matter when Kara revealed herself to Lena. Every single timeline, version of herself became so cold, so cruel, absolutely ruthless in their pursuit for some kind of … compensation, some kind of means to show their pain over betrayal. It was a vicious cycle to see herself reacting the way she did each and every single time without fail. Lena never took it well … not a single one. There was one as early as a few months into their friendship, not long after they first met and Lena had just helped stop Lillian from creating the Medusa virus. And still, she was hurt, angry, and felt utterly betrayed. She spat at Kara. Told her she should have known better than to finally put her trust in someone else.

It was a harsh reality and Lena could hardly stomach the fact that she was this person, had always been this person. No matter what Kara did, Lena was always going to take this poorly, to say the least considering she’d been quite vocal in her harshness after the fact. In fact, it was a hard pill to swallow to think that after all Kara had done for her, Lena could not give her the decency of a benefit of a doubt. And she’d felt so righteous in her anger, her despair, and the heartbreak she’d felt over the reveal from Lex. It was never his right but … even if it hadn’t been Lex … even if Kara had been the one, it made no difference in the result it seemed. She was always going to be this way, always going to be so furious with herself for not figuring it out sooner when Kara was such a terrible liar but she’d never seen passed the deceit because she’d been blinded by love, trust, and the adorable way Kara made mistakes over names, history, and idioms of a country she was supposed to be from. It was hard to believe that Lena would always react this way towards someone so good and pure she didn’t give a single thought, didn’t spare a moment to save Lena’s life despite how estranged Lena had been towards her.

But now, it was too late for regrets because Kara was gone. She couldn’t change the fact that the love of her life was now dead and it was her own fault she’d never gotten a chance to say goodbye or even forgive Kara before she … died. Lena could have had more time with her if she’d only forgiven her … if she’d only heard Kara out instead of continuing to ignore her like she didn’t matter. Because she mattered more than Lena could even say or put to words privately. Kara had been everything. Lena had destroyed the one good thing she’d had in her entire life that wasn’t tainted by selfishness, greed, corruption, or for a hidden agenda painted behind pretty smiles and flattering words. She gave up the one person who’d never abused her and introduced her to more people in the world like her, who would never use Lena to gain something for themselves and now … she was gone and Lena couldn’t bring her back to life no matter what she did. But … perhaps … it might just work if she did this one thing.

_I miss you, I miss you_

_At times, you may hate me_

_I want to cry, kneel down for me_

_If it turns out that there’s nothing we can do about it_

Every day, Lena missed Kara more and more and it didn’t help that Alex wouldn’t leave Lena alone now that she’d given her a tentative plan in order to keep this from happening again. Winn had even come back for this too. Hell, even Ray was trying to help with this insane plan that just might work and it was refreshing to have so many people on board with the plan, so many intelligent minds working together in tandem in order to bring back the one person they all loved in their own way. Brainy was helping her brainstorm formulas, equations with some input from Ray Palmer while Winn had made a simulation that would give them accurate predictions about whether their current formula and plans would all work out. Occasionally, Alex would pipe up and put her biology and medical degree to use and flex her knowledge in that area since Lena had more of a molecular formula type of mind than a biological standpoint to her thought process.

Overall, the ideas, as long as they kept having them, were still fresh and they were making more headway than Lena had anticipated when she’d first reached out to everyone to ask for their help in bringing Kara back in the most reasonable way possible rather than like a Frankenstein experiment to raise the freaking dead. No. Lena’s plan was much better than that. There was no need to play god when she didn’t believe in one, nor did she think that it would help to pray to some unknown, higher being. For Kara, Lena would do everything in her power, use every resource possible to make sure Kara never died and that she would live far passed that dark day she fell because Lena had been foolish. She’d been the biggest fool and she’d never make that mistake again.

_The memory of being madly in love_

_I find you in those memories_

_We couldn’t have been more in love_

Lena didn’t know if Kara loved her back, but the way Alex had said something one day … Lena suspected that Kara did return her feelings. Alex had been so blunt about it too. It was just another day at the lab, working through the logistics of whether they were capable of creating this kind of machine and Alex had just said it right then and there. “She loved you too, you know, Lena.” Lena had been the last one to leave each and every day, hardly sleeping nor taking the time to really feed herself without Alex’s interference since everyone else had given up on trying to make Lena eat when they all realized that they just needed to get Alex to say something to Lena for it to actually work.

She’d been hard at work, staring at the formulas and equations written on the board when Alex had approached her and Lena had been in shock. In fact, she’d been so startled she dropped her dry erase marker right on the floor before turning to look at Alex. “I’m sorry, what did you just say, Alex?”

Alex shrugged, almost looking nonchalant as she answered, “she loved you as much as you loved her, Lena. Kara was madly in love with you for a long time, Lena.” A fond smile took over Alex features, “I remember the first time she talked about you. You had just met and Kara had come home from work and I was waiting on the couch for her, waiting to start our movie night. I had everything set up and ready when she came in and started gushing about you and how cool you were, how you handled your interview so well even though Kal had been harsh and bold. She couldn’t stop talking about how you stood your ground, how you stood up to him at times. In fact, she said she felt something when you said that you were just a woman trying to make a name for herself outside of her family’s name and legacy. She looked starstruck and she was half in love with you then.” Lena also recalled that meeting and seeing how what she’d said had a profound effect on Kara, the way she seemed to look at Lena with such empathy, commenting on how she could understand that completely. She’d looked so awed in that moment and Lena had taken an immediately liking to her. How could Lena not fall hopelessly in love with Kara, she knew she’d never be able to do anything else but fall for her.

Kara was so much more than anything Lena had ever known before. She was the sun that Lena could only hope to reach someday despite being the moon and separated by just a few planets in the world. Lena was somewhere she could never reach Kara despite how much she wished she could because Kara was so far away now. Kara was too far away for Lena to reach but with the help of her friends and the idea she had … she might be able to do something about this to remedy this whole situation. Lena was going to fix it, fix everything that had gone wrong. Yes, Lena was going to fix what she broke and make up for the wrongs she had committed against Kara. Lena was going to atone for it, she was committed to treating Kara better if this all worked out, if she could do this, she was going to do whatever she could to redeem herself for all that had happened between them. Kara deserved better than what Lena could give her but Lena was going to try, she was going to do her best to make it up to Kara. For the rest of her life, Lena was going to do whatever she could to atone for the horrible things she’d done to Kara. It was the least Lena owed Kara and she was going to start by bringing Kara back by any means.

_I won’t choose this for you, I will never let it happen_

_But I’ll miss you as you’re dead_

Though there had been some progress in the last six months, Lena wanted more than what they had so far. She would never give up though. Never because giving up was _not_ an option. It didn’t matter how long it took, what it took, Lena would do it all in order to prove that for Kara, there were no boundaries. No matter what it took, Lena would do everything in her power in order to succeed. Alex, though impatient to get Kara back, did not once rush anyone working on the project to bring Kara back. She understood the need for taking time to figure out the correct formula, the right equations, the perfect balance, and testing everything through simulations before pushing through to the final product, the perfect model. Despite how much Alex wanted Kara back, how desperately she wanted to see Kara alive and well again, Alex was more than aware of the ramifications of failing, of getting it wrong. There were no second chances, no take backs. It had to be flawless, perfect. There could not be even .01% chance of it getting things wrong because they would just lose their only chance to get it right. And Alex was not willing to risk it.

Whether it took another year to finish this or ten, Alex, Brainy, Lena, Ray, and Winn were not going to give up before the perfect solution was created. There were many risks to their plan, but everyone was determined to see this through to the end.

_I miss you, I miss you_

_At times, you may hate me_

_I believe this is the right way_

_I’m leaving to go to you_

After nearly three years of hard work, it was completed. It was ready, without a doubt. The simulations showed that everything had worked out perfectly, that there was no chance of _anything_ going wrong. After years of hard work, they finally saw it to completion with Ray coming back after every Legends’ mission to help, which didn’t take long considering he just time traveled back to them just moments after he left on missions. Finally, years of hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and resolve, they had completed the machine, the machine that would take them all back to a time before they had to live without Kara’s brilliance. All of the long, hard years had finally culminated in the creation of something perfect, something that would change their lives for the better. In no time at all, Alex and Lena were going to see Kara again.

It hadn’t been easy, but Lena had convinced Alex that they both needed to go back rather than just Lena or Alex alone because there was too much unknown, too many risks if they didn’t do things just right that could mess with the world and cause a major warp. The Legends had done that, messed with time far too much and caused a time warp of sorts. Alex and Lena were aiming to do something that wouldn’t cause that kind of time ripple. Considering the fact that Kara wasn’t supposed to die … well, there was no way anyone was going to be able to stop them from bringing Kara back. It had been intense, their arguments about who would do what, but in the end, Alex had to concede the point that Lena was the only one who would be able to bring them back to this moment should something go wrong. Alex was no slouch, but Lena was the expert, the genius when it came to science, to quantum entanglement, and other such areas to fix things if something did go horribly wrong.

Alex hated to admit that Lena was right so in the end, it had been decided. They were both going to go back in time, back to the beginning with all of this and they were going to fix this.

Lena was ready, so ready, to go back and see her love for the first time in nearly three years. She wasn’t going to mess things up between them this time and she was going to make every moment last if things went wrong anyways no matter what they did. Even if she didn’t get to stay with Kara for the rest of her life, at least this way she got more time with Kara and she’d get to enjoy her time knowing that at any moment, it could end. Lena would not waste this opportunity for Kara to know that she was loved. Kara was going to be so spoiled by Lena in every way she could possibly want. All of the pot stickers, donuts, unholy amounts of ice cream, candy, and pizza she could ever want. Lena was going to spoil her rotten with her affection, time, and her favorite thing in the world: sugary, carb heavy food.

For Kara, Lena was ready to do this. Lena was ready to join Kara once more. Alex and Lena stepped up to the machine, standing within the circular metal as Brainy and Winn started up the machine and got ready to transport Lena and Alex back in time to a time much earlier in their timeline long before this whole mess started. One of the things Lena and Winn had been cautioned by Ray was to make sure that they didn’t mess with their timeline much in any big way. Rippling effects could cause massive waves with many unintended consequences. This was another reason Lena argued with Alex about letting her go back too. Between the both of them, they had a higher chance of not missing something and messing up the timeline more than necessary. They had a plan and they needed to stick to it in order to make sure that they didn’t mess everything up. When they went back, they weren’t going to go back the same way the Legends did. No, not at all. The whole point with making a time machine wasn’t just to go back in time to before Kara’s death and change things so it wouldn’t happen. No, it was more than that. Going back, Lena had spearheaded the whole thing in order for them to live as their past selves with the knowledge of the future. It was the only way to keep Kara from dying. With Ray’s help, Lena had been able to perfect the machine with Brainy helping speed things along too. They had tested and experimented on the effects with various animals and it had been successful.

Nothing would stand in their way to bringing Kara back.

With one last look around the room, Lena nodded at Winn to fire the machine up. Just seconds before they beamed out, someone came in to steal the technology and in a last ditch effort to keep it from happening, Lena had planted a self-destruct sequence to go off just strong enough to destroy the technology and every single file and plan would be wiped out entirely to keep the technology out of the wrong hands. All it took was one small push of a button and it would be all gone. Hopefully, it was enough. Within seconds Alex and Lena faded and the technology collapsed in on itself and every single computer server fried before the would-be thieves could so much as attempt to steal any data.

_The memory of being madly in love_

_I find you in those memories_

_We couldn’t have been more in love_

Lena felt like she blinked and then all of a sudden it was her first time meeting Kara. Clark was trying to drill her about why she wasn’t on the Venture when it went down and Lena zoned out for a moment when she came back to this time, feeling overwhelmed and her heart was racing, her breathing unsteady for just a few moments. She needed to reorient herself and blinked excessively for a few moments before her blurry vision cleared and she was able to focus on her surroundings. Though her facial expression didn’t change much, she figured she’d been silent for too long when she heard a voice she hadn’t heard in years, a voice that haunted her dreams because it was someone she hadn’t been able to see again. A voice so sweet it called out to her and made her feel … alive again.

“Are you okay there, Miss Luthor? You’ve um, you look a little uh, pale.”

Shaking off her momentary lapse, Lena managed a genuine smile. “I’m sorry about that. Sometimes I just … remember why I hate flying so much and I get a little … in my head about that.” She wasn’t going to elaborate that she had acrophobia after all, because that would be too much for people she barely knew. Lena was sure they could hear how her heartbeat skyrocketed at the thought though. “What, um, what did you ask me again before that?” she asked, attempting to reorient the situation back on track.

Clark had an almost skeptical look on his face, but Lena was sure that he knew exactly what a panicked heartbeat sounded like, one that was full of fear, anxiety. He seemed to believe her lie about why she had had a momentary lapse into past memories of something unpleasant. “I was asking about why you weren’t on the Ventura when it exploded yesterday.” He gave her a questioning look to pair with the question and Lena nodded her head.

“Right, my apologies again. I … I have never been a fan of flying in general. Yesterday I had a meeting come up about the rebranding of my company and I took the chance to go to the meeting to avoid flying. I plan to rename the company L-Corp and to do good and change the very damaged image of LuthorCorp to a positive one with the transition from LuthorCorp to L-Corp.” This wasn’t exactly what had happened the first time around, but it was close enough that nothing significant would change. Another look from Clark and that prompted Lena to ask, because she remembered this part clearly, “right, can we just speed this interview along? Just ask me what you want to ask, Mr. Kent. Did I have anything to do with the Ventura explosion?”

“Did you?” he asked, a skeptical look on his face.

Lena went along with what she’d said last time, but this time, when she asked, she looked at Kara, “I’m just a woman trying to make a name for herself outside of her family. Do you understand that?”

When Kara took a tiny step forward, Lena relished being able to give Kara all of her attention. The way the words seemed to pass through Kara’s mind before she nodded, a genuine look of empathy on her face, Lena felt her heart race a little. “Yeah,” and then the way Clark’s gaze whipped to where Kara was, was still just as satisfying this time around.

Lena felt a sense of fulfillment she hadn’t felt in quite some time and her heart throbbed with the knowledge that this was just the beginning.

_I won’t choose this for you, I will never let it happen_

_But I’ll miss you as you’re dead_

_I want to forget that you’re dead_

This time, Lena wouldn’t let anything, _anything_ happen to Kara. She would succeed no matter what the odds.

X

Brainy, Ray, and Winn refused to say anything to their captors about how the technology was created even under threat of death and torture. Luckily, the Legends came back for Ray because another mission had come up and they were able to chase away the people trying to steal the technology from them but they knew this wasn’t going to be the last time this might happen, all things considered.

Sara was smirking after the last person ran away with their tail between their legs, trying to act all macho. “Hmph, wimps.”

“They’ll probably be back at some point to try to get information out of us, so, if you could contact the Legion for me and get me back there, that would be great actually.” Winn said, smiling his slightly nervous smile while Brainy nodded his head.

“I concur that this is probably, for the best, and might I also suggest that I am not present here anymore either? The best course of action would be to scatter and go where they wouldn’t expect us until Alex and Lena fix the timeline permanently.”

Ray nodded enthusiastically, “the more the merrier, of course! You should come with us for a while Brainy!”

Charlie shook her head. “’Ey, do we even have any room for this bloke on the Waverider to begin with?”

Sara ignored her, “welcome to the Waverider, Brainy!”

So, the cat’s out of the bag now! I’m doing a time travel AU! This will be a fun rewrite from what canon has done to our poor, mistreated girls! Also a thank you to someone who commented because I accidentally mixed up this story chapter with another one and put it in the wrong place, considering the fandoms are different that made it easy to pick out that I mixed up a Clexa with a SuperCorp so thank you for that! Everyone else reading this, I thank you for the positive feedback since I've had a really awful harassing me on multiple platforms following me around to tell me I'm a despicable human being because of my outside links going to my ko-fi page for anyone who wishes to support me. They were racist, derogatory, lied on multiple accounts, condescending, self-righteous, absolutely foul towards me, slandered me, said petty, vindictive, belligerent, and marginalizing things to me and justified it by calling me despicable for trying to make a living with my original content and told me that my stories were copyright infringement because I apparently don't write my own stories and have not come up with anything other than somehow stealing my own works because they don't know what writing is. So to say I am upset about this person cyber stalking me to victimize me is saying the least and I will finish out what I have here, but I have no patience for this behavior anymore from someone claiming to be a fan of my works and degrading me for supposedly not providing free content because I own a ko-fi that is apparently 'Chinese Patreon' as they said it best. They know I'm Asian, that I'm a woman, and that I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community but they chose to say something to me anyways despite knowing what it's like to be at least two of those three things. I am done playing nice and I will make sure that if they so much click on another of my fanfics, they will see that I am defending myself, fighting back against their behavior and lies, and making sure that anyone who enjoys my fics knows that they are out here thinking that anonymity will protect them from being known. Just because I'm not going to expose who they are (going by Disgruntled Nut does not mean I don't remember you from when you possibly helped my old account get deleted if you weren't actually involved or how you recently attacked me on my tumblr page when you looked for my deleted free content) doesn't mean I won't make it known who the real scum is. I can guarantee that they've never had to pay for rent, school tuition, and thousands of dollars in medical bills on their own because likely they have their parents to fall back on whereas my mother and whole family experienced a lot of hardships during COVID and can hardly spare any money for me to ask them to help with the burden of paying for my $2500 of tuition not covered by loans and grants. I'm done trying to talk to someone who thinks that they are dispensing social justice by yelling with the hubris of someone who doesn't have anything better to do with their lives than to try to make someone else miserable. Just to give a timeframe, they have been saying things to me off and on in the last year and more recently have attacked me on two separate occasions this month alone. I will not tolerate their intolerance and deplorable behavior any longer so they can find someone else to victimize and slander because comments will now be moderated so they can no longer attack me anonymously. Should they choose to continue to comment I am sure AO3 will be happy to do something about their personal account here. Next two chapters are available [here](https://ko-fi.com/post/Hold-You-U7U01NSNA) and [here](https://ko-fi.com/post/Hold-You-Z8Z722FSB). I've decided to put the links back in for those who would like to read ahead.

姫宮光る


	3. When I Met You

Chapter 3

When I Met You

Lena remembered the first time she’d ever met Kara Danvers. She was nervous, but something about her seemed to shine. For some reason, despite the nervousness she exhibited by adjusting her glasses too frequently and blinking just a little too much when attention was on her, Lena could just see a radiance, a glow about her. Kara Danvers was just so beautiful. And not long after that, she changed Lena’s life and kept changing more and more for the better. When Lena met Kara for the first time, Kara changed her into someone she never knew she could be again. She regained her passion for discovering things, her compassion to help others outside of monetary gain, and she learned how to trust people again. Kara had done so much for her, given her the things she never knew she wanted or needed. Until Kara came into her life, Lena had never realized how cold and lonely she’d become.

Kara Danvers had changed Lena’s life for the better and Lena needed to do something to pay her back for all of her kindness. All that Kara had done, Lena felt like she needed to do something in return that showed that Lena was also willing to sacrifice for their friendship now that she knew who Kara was. So, she went back to a time in which there was no way this could happen. Lena didn’t want to go back to the beginning of when they first met, because that was too soon and she would just look at Kara with far too much tenderness and affection for someone who wasn’t supposed to know Kara all that well. But something had gone wrong, maybe it was her calculations because she had gone back much further than she was supposed to. Maybe Alex was in the same boat as her and hadn’t landed in the time frame that they had tried to go back to instead of the very first time that Lena Luthor met Kara Danvers.

It was so hard for Lena to act like she didn’t want to just pull Kara right into her arms and hold her for far longer than would be appropriate. How tempted Lena was to just take Kara into her arms and hold her as tightly as possible, showing that she never wanted to let her go again. Never again. It took everything in Lena to resist the urge to press her face into that perfect nook in Kara’s neck made just for her to press her face into when she needed, wanted Kara’s comforting presence and her soothing embrace. The strength in Kara’s arms made Lena forget all about the things that were troubling her. All Lena needed was Kara’s presence, but the added bonus of having the warmth of a Kryptonian sun soaked skin, the strength in her body, and the way she always exuded this calm when Lena needed it most just made all of the difference. It was everything, Kara was everything. Kara was all Lena needed and she wouldn’t let Kara die this time around. She would protect her against everything this time. Lena would not fail her again, never again.

_After I met you_

_I’ve been happy with small changes_

_In the dazzling morning_

_I open my eyes by thinking of you_

Holding back her overflowing affection for Kara had been difficult but facing what she had in the past wasn’t nearly as hard. She saved Alex again and she saw recognition in Alex’s eyes immediately. It seemed that they had much to discuss when they had a chance to meet in private at some point. Now wasn’t the time because there was so much going on and too much to worry about, making sure that things didn’t change in the timeline, that nothing was moved up ahead even if certain things were to remain the same in order to not cause a worse future instead. They needed to iron things out. Lena had made sure to get a calendar to mark important events, but to make sure things didn’t end up in the wrong hands, she hid it in her secret lab somewhere no one would think to look. Digital traces were too hard to get rid of fully, so she didn’t trust to keep things in order that way because hacking was a concern even if she had the best technology in the world. This calendar she could just burn if she suspected someone was trying to actively find it.

Lena had never been a warm person in her youth, not since the Luthors taught her how to be cold instead to close business deals with a detached air about her, feigning superiority over others always. _Make them think they got the better deal._ Her brother had always said when she was just starting to help out and he’d have Lena sit in on his business meetings after everyone else had already left and the deals secured with signed contracts. Lena had learned to be cold, to do things without feeling any emotions after making deals. And she’d learned to do things this way in life until she met Kara. Kara Danvers changed her life to be someone who was able to be warm again, able to feel without worrying about someone else’s intentions towards her because of her steadfast belief in her goodness. It changed Lena’s entire life, the way she saw and felt things.

Her life after Kara was so much better, Kara made her life better than she ever thought it could be. Life after Kara was something Lena never thought she would be able to get, someone genuine, someone so effortlessly warm and kind like her. Lena could never regret falling in love with Kara after all of the good she’d brought into her life even if Lena didn’t understand it all back then. She understood it now. It was all worth it if she understood Kara’s intentions better now than she had then. Everything was worth it if Lena could get Kara back and she stayed safe and lived a long life rather than having it cut short like when she saved Lena. As long as she had Kara, that’s all that mattered to Lena. Lena just needed Kara safe and well for her to be happy.

_I sit face to face with you at the table_

_I ask about your day_

_My day was fine too_

_I want to answer with a smile_

Today, they were having a lunch date, the first of many Lena was sure. In the past they’d had so many before everything went wrong, but today, today was the first one in this timeline and Lena was so happy for it. She wanted to know everything about Kara, learn about Kara all over again as if it was her first time learning what Kara was like, her favorite foods, and the things that made Kara who she was so effortlessly, so very easily. Lena wanted to fall in love all over again with Kara Danvers. And maybe Supergirl too.

“I’m glad you invited me out for lunch today, Kara. You … you really impressed me with your article about me the other day. I wasn’t expecting that at all.” Lena played at being pleasantly surprised, not wanting Kara to think that she was faking things, but also knowing that she had to be careful not to change things too much to the point of altering things and causing more trouble unnecessarily. “In fact, I was expecting a scathing review about my newest technology, but you were … surprisingly fair. You really threw me a curveball with the direction of the article seeing as you seemed very passionate about me scrapping the whole prototype and technology right then and there.”

Kara looked at her sheepishly as she replied, “actually, I did write a really nasty article but my boss scrapped it and told me not to look in his direction until I’d rewritten it and showed no bias towards it either way or else. So, you really want to thank Snapper instead for that.”

Lena chuckled, “should I send the flowers somewhere else instead?”

Shaking her head vehemently, Kara responded with an earnest tone, “I’m not saying that. Well, maybe next time send them to my apartment so no one thinks I’m kissing up to this really intelligent, beautiful CEO I happen to know.” There was a lip bite at the end of the sentence that Lena didn’t know how to handle. Was Kara Danvers flirting with her? Oh, now this was an interesting turn of events, one that Lena most definitely liked and she was going to have to wade through it more carefully this time around. Had she really been that oblivious the first time around to Kara’s unwitting flirting? Why had Lena not realized this the first time around? It didn’t matter though, she should concentrate on the now, the present.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were flirting with me, Kara.” Lena had such a teasing smile on her lips Kara was beside herself, not anticipating such a playful side to Lena’s personality.

“Stop teasing me, Lena!” She had a pout on her lips, the crinkle also made an appearance and Lena didn’t know she could miss something like that too.

Lena smiled widely, “all right, all right, I’ll stop it. When do you have to be back at the office?” And their lunch continued on just as playfully after that. Lena treasured every moment.

_When we understood little things about each other_

_I was surprised with the fact that we got used to each other_

_I love you_

_Just as peaceful as now_

Though Lena didn’t plan it this way, they were hanging out more often this time around than they had last time and Lena didn’t know if she wanted to stop this course of action. She’d finally found some time to sit down with Alex and discuss what time frame Alex had come back versus when Lena had in this newly made timeline.

“I came back earlier than you did by about a year because I came back on the plane when Kara rescued me from the plane crash. For whatever reason, I came back to that moment instead of the same time you did. But that made it easier to save Kara, knowing I already had for some of the things that she faced that first year of her being Supergirl and also … I saved Kara from the unfortunate costume planning she’d had with Winn that first time around.” Alex shook her head. “It was kind of … tragic.”

Lena laughed. “it can’t have been that bad, can it?” The look Alex gave her said otherwise and Lena couldn’t help laughing at what her imagination conjured up from Alex’s reaction and obvious distaste. “I wish I’d been there to witness it myself actually.”

Alex shook her head, “trust me, it was that bad. Really, _really_ bad Lena. I mean, they were Rao awful outfits, all of them.” Lena just laughed at that and Alex shuddered in a somewhat exaggerated move, much to Lena’s blatant amusement. “I burned all evidence of her awful costume design from Winn because men should _never_ design a woman’s outfit, Lena.”

“Either way, I don’t want to miss any of those moments again. We only have this one life with her now, no more do overs, no time machines to keep going back. I don’t have any of the data with me because I don’t want it getting into the wrong hands and having to worry about someone else coming after Kara again. Keeping Kara safe matters more than anything, Alex. So, we have to be careful and calculate every move. We need to make sure nothing goes wrong.”

Alex nodded her agreement. “That is without a doubt and we also need to make sure not to be friends out of nowhere until we all get closer to each other and I have to be careful around Maggie because … we got really close last time and I … she’s supposed to be my reason for realizing I’m gay. But this time around … I don’t want to get hurt by what I had with her and make things … awkward.” Alex sighed, “maybe it’s best if I … avoid her. Or at the very least make sure everything is more professional and that I don’t have any residual feelings that I need to work through maybe. She was my only relationship for a long time and then I haven’t dated since we … well … since the break-up and I want to concentrate mostly on Kara this time.”

Lena agreed with that. “Okay, so, I have an old school calendar hidden somewhere I can easily burn it so there’s no technological trace. If I suspect anything might go wrong, I’ll burn it and there’s no evidence that we’re not from around here. And I’m being very cautious anytime I might be around J’onn with my surface thoughts being things that he can’t possibly suspect anything and you should be on guard about that too. I know that you’ve been around J’onn for a long time, so, that might be an advantage so long as you don’t do or think anything that might cause suspicion.”

“Yeah, so, should we communicate through emails somehow? Maybe something as old fashioned as a letter that we can burn? That might be our best option? Burn after reading maybe?”

Lena was amused by this a little too much for Alex’s taste. “Have you watched enough spy movies lately, Alex? This seems very much something I’d see in one of those movies.”

_I want to be with you forever_

_I thought that as I looked at you_

Some days, it was harder for Lena to remember not to look at Kara with such a smitten expression on her face. Today was definitely one of those days with Lena sitting across from Kara as she stuffed her face full of pot stickers at her favorite place. Lena was sitting with her face supported by her left palm as she watched Kara’s chipmunk cheeks try to stuff yet another pot sticker so adorably. No, Lena wasn’t looking at Kara like a friend would. She was looking at Kara like she was the most adorable, endearing person in the world to her because she definitely was, but they’d only ‘known’ each other for the better part of three months and Lena wasn’t supposed to look at Kara like she was the cutest person on earth, nor like she was completely in love with her. And yet she was. Lena was entirely smitten. She was falling in love all over again and she didn’t care.

Kara finally seemed to realize that Lena hadn’t really touched her food much, chopsticks in her right hand, face in the other, and she offered a pot sticker to Lena much to Alex’s shock and indignation. Honestly, Lena had forgotten that Kara had insisted on having Alex and Lena ‘meet each other officially’ and that Alex was even present and sitting next to Kara at all. “Want a pot sticker?” Kara asked, somewhat clearly despite the fact that there was still a bit of food in her mouth after she swallowed hastily.

Alex glared at Kara. “You _never_ even let me have one but you offer one to Lena after knowing her for all of three months, Kara? The betrayal!”

Kara shrugged in response. “Lena isn’t eating enough! She’s barely touched her food and pot stickers are everyone’s favorite food!”

Alex rolled her eyes. “_Yours_ maybe. And I like them too, but you never share any with me!”

Lena leaned forward, and despite her blush, Kara fed Lena the pot sticker carefully. Kara turned to Alex, “see that! You see, Alex, Lena ate it!” Kara looked smug, “everyone loves pot stickers, Alex!”

“They are pretty good, Kara, so, it’s no wonder they’re your favorite. I’ve come to find an appreciation for them myself recently.” Lena smiled at her admiringly, one that Kara mirrored and, honestly, could they be anymore smitten with each other, seriously?

Alex scoffed. “Of course, you’re on Kara’s side, of course. If I had Maggie, Winn, James, or heck, even Snapper, they’d all agree that you _never_ share food.”

“Yeah, well, none of you are Lena, so, you can stuff it!” Kara sniffed in reply.

Lena wished they could be like this forever. After a few pointed looks and comments from Kara, Lena ate her food and took what she couldn’t finish home in a container as leftovers and the night ended well.

_After meeting you I was so happy_

_I was able to love you so much_

_Because you embraced my young and immature mind_

_With a warm understanding_

Kara was absolutely brilliant, so dazzling and bright, sometimes Lena wondered if she could possibly get burned from how sunny Kara’s disposition was, how naturally warm she was. In every way possible, Kara simply shined brilliantly, brighter than anything and everything on the earth. She was just so beautiful, stunning she took Lena’s breath away, left her so breathless she wondered if she’d ever be able to breathe it back in again. And the day they met, that very first day, Kara had changed her life for the good and Lena couldn’t be more grateful for the way Kara had drawn her in and never let her go. She had gotten Lena’s attention and she had never let Lena leave. Every time they met Lena felt more and more for Kara until she found that she couldn’t say no to her for anything and she realized that this was love. It was love and she never saw it coming until it hit her full force one day that she was in love with her best friend. Lena would never be the same. And that was good. So good.

Life after Kara … was so much better, everything was clearer, brighter, happier, and a blend of positivity Lena needed in her life and Kara gave her all of it. She gave her everything and more than Lena ever thought she would get in her life. And she never asked for anything in return, she just kept staying by Lena’s side and now it’d been six months and Lena was more in love with Kara than ever before and Kara kept saying things, doing things, she didn’t end up with Mon-El this time for some reason, though that time had come and passed, much to Lena’s immense relief. She didn’t think she’d be able to handle the Kara and Mon-El disaster that happened last time around. The fact that they didn’t end up together showed that there was a very distinct difference, a change in the timeline that neither Alex nor Lena had anticipated. Whatever it was, Kara deserved better than Mon-El’s immaturity regardless.

It had been six months since they came here and Lena had no idea if this one thing changed, how many other things would also change as a reaction to this separate knowledge both Alex and Lena had from before. The most important thing was not letting Kara die again. More than anything, that was the end goal. The bigger picture Alex and Lena came here for was Kara’s safety and continued living and preventing anything that might get in the way. Neither woman could relax until they were sure no one was able to follow them here despite their precautions and hope that nothing would get in the way.

_When we hurt each other_

_With coldhearted tones_

_I can’t bear our distant relationship_

_I’m sorry_

It seemed some things were always destined to happen no matter what changed in the timeline. Somehow, some things were just meant to happen, and Jack’s death was no less heartbreaking than it had been the first time around but at least, this time, she was ready for it to actually happen. Lena could brace herself for it unlike the first time. And she didn’t kiss him on the lips. That was pretty important. Lena had still gone to dinner with Jack and had asked to invite Kara with her this time rather than having Kara happen to drop by to interrupt. Kara had been all too happy to join them for dinner for some reason. She seemed to be flirting with Lena half of the time too, almost seemed to want to stake some kind of claim on her. Lena didn’t mind one bit and Jack kept sending subtle looks their way, a shift in his eyebrow, a twitch to his lips that suggested he was picking up on Kara’s vibes as well. It was what Lena had loved about Jack when they’d dated each other before Lena’s move. Jack just _understood_ her and made her want to be a better person without ever making her feel lesser for being a Luthor when Lex was starting to get caught for all of his shady dealings and actions. He had made her feel grounded during a time in which everyone wanted to drag her through the mud and treat her like a villain in league with her brother.

And now, here he was, watching her interact with Kara and observing how Kara kept acting possessive in the subtlest of ways. It was the way Kara stayed in direct skin to skin contact with Lena no matter how it was done between small touches to the small of Lena’s back, touching her hand or shoulder, staying close enough that their shoulders touched, or leaning into Lena entirely. Kara was being beyond her usual amount of physical affection. In fact, Lena hadn’t seen Kara being this affectionate towards Alex and they were the closest siblings Lena had ever met before. Most siblings were comfortable with physical displays of affection between holding hands or just being close in each other’s spaces, but no siblings were ever this affectionate and Lena had never had any friends who demanded this much physical closeness. Lena felt like Kara had to be the most unwitting flirt she’d ever met and it wasn’t fair. She kind of hated and loved it because Kara was being so very sweet but it also gave Lena false hope that Kara would do it on purpose.

Jack was sitting there like he was at a play, watching it all as if it were the best play he’d ever seen in his life. Lena almost wanted to tease him about it, but then she’d give Kara even more reason to notice things and she wasn’t sure if her heart could handle what Kara would do in response without realizing that she was almost acting jealous. The dinner was the last time Lena saw Jack before he died. And then, she had to watch him die all over again and despite knowing that it was coming, she hadn’t been able to figure out a way to save him from the same fate. She’d tried the moment she knew it was coming up, but nothing in her simulations and experiments had been enough. Kara attended the funeral with Lena this time, unlike last time, and Lena leaned into her warmth and the strength she needed, that she lacked as she spoke at his body viewing. The weakness Lena felt seemed like it faded a little bit with Kara by her side the entire time and Kara spoke up about him too. She was so eloquent.

“Though I didn’t know him well, the few times we’d met recently, he was always kind and generous. He was also selfless and brave in his last moments and he protected Lena as well as everyone else by sacrificing himself for her, for the entire world. Jack was a good man, one of the best I’ve ever met and he made an impression on me I’ll never forget. I’ve always believed it doesn’t matter how long you know someone, but the impression they leave you with and how you remember them that counts most.” Lena had collapsed into Kara’s arms, crying as she held her strongly, comfortingly with a strength that showed how much control Kara had over her super strength. “You _will_ get through this, Lena, and it was _not_ your fault, Lena. Nothing you could have done would have changed this and you have to let it go. Just let it go, let it out Lena. I’m here.” Kara squeezed her just a little harder, “and I’ll always be here.” Lena almost blurted out that she was lying because maybe Lena wasn’t as over the fact that Kara had died.

Not long after that the kryptonite incident was due to happen next. Lena had no idea how she was supposed to do this without creating another Kara for Lex to control again. Things were starting to get muddled up and Lena needed help and she might need therapy. Kara said those cruel things about her as Supergirl again and Lena was more hurt than angry this time, disappointed that this still happened.

Some things were meant to happen no matter how she tried to change these outcomes she knew were coming, she couldn’t seem to change certain key events in the timeline. Lena was going crazy, trying to breathe through everything, but Alex was a godsend. She’d been helping Lena through the struggle she was experiencing. Alex was having some problem with not being able to stop some things from happening too.

_Even now when I’m anxious_

_I want to be with you forever_

_I thought as I looked at you_

“Obviously, we can’t change everything because that’d be wrong, but we especially can’t manipulate the key events that happened the first time. We couldn’t change the way to save Sam. She had to be separated from Reign because otherwise … she might have … she would have been taken over by her. And she is too good to die that way and especially Ruby. Ruby would’ve lost her mother if we didn’t do it, but now … Kara is … she is torn up about this. She was the first time around, but this time she seems a bit worse. Kara felt awful after she yelled at you as Supergirl and said all of those things to you the first time around, you know? I know she didn’t tell you this until much later … but this was the first time she wanted to tell you even if J’onn would have been mad at her for it, Lena. She wanted to tell you before the World Killer thing, but then she had to concentrate on them when they arrived and then … the whole … kryptonite thing happened.” Alex shook her head. “It was all a mess back then and it still is now.” A warm hand was on her shoulder, comforting her, “don’t be so discouraged though. Kara regrets it so much this time too. Maybe start hinting that you know?”

Lena shrugged. “Does she even know how much I care about her? I wouldn’t have hated her if she’d told me after the World Killers were taken care of, Alex. As soon as she looks at me with that crinkle in between her eyes or gives me one look with those pouty lips and her blue puppy dog eyes, I always, _always_ cave in.”

Something seemed to occur to Alex. “Do you … love her, Lena? Like, are you in love with her, Lena?”

Lena’s expression smoothed over. “That’s not what’s important here, Alex. We need to do better in the future not to mess everything we’re doing here up.”

Alex gave her a reassuring look, “I always wondered before, but you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to, Lena. You’re safe here and I’m always here if you need to talk about anything. Never be afraid of saying something or asking for something you _need_. Kara’s always worried about you never asking for the things you need and just doing without. I’m here for you too Lena. Kara would probably offer if she weren’t sure you hate her right now after everything happened.”

Surprising both Alex and herself, Lena pulled Alex into a tight hug. “Thank you,” Lena whispered, voice softer than she’d meant it to be. If nothing else, she was glad for this development after coming back to this timeline because Alex had been a friend, but now she was more a sister than just a friend.

_I was so happy to meet you_

_I was able to love you so much_

_Because you embraced my young and immature mind_

_With a warm understanding_

Kara was being more and more affectionate as her alter ego these days and Lena suspected that it had to do with her guilt. Lena was trying to hint at things to Kara, that she knew who she was but Kara didn’t quite seem to understand. It was a comment here and there about how Kara seemed to be faster than the average human. Well, she said person, but still. Or how Supergirl always seemed to know when she was in trouble when she was on the phone with Kara. There were also little comments about how Kara used the wrong words sometimes, the wrong phrasing. And Kara was as oblivious as ever, trying to make up excuses and she was truly a terrible liar, so how had Lena missed it the first time around when Kara was _this_ obvious?

_After the hot summer_

_In the rain that I’ll miss_

_As I got shy and blushed_

_I’ll kiss your thoughtful eyes_

_And let’s walk forward together_

Today was a day of relaxation. Kara had invited Lena to the park for lunch and a walk. Seeing as it was a Saturday, Lena had no reason to deny Kara her request so long as Lena got to eat something with vegetables and no cheese in it. Though Kara had pouted about it, she conceded and got Lena one of her favorite salads and brought over a crumpet that Lena could _swear_ was from one of her favorite cafes in England. Kara gave off no hint about where she got it, just tried to make some noncommittal answer about where she got it, some place downtown Lena wouldn’t know. Lena was sure that Kara was lying because she didn’t even mention the name of the place nor other things that she normally would rave about, such as her favorite things to eat there. Kara was definitely being suspicious about the origins of the crumpets Lena had mentioned all of once before.

Nothing could beat how the day started, with Kara coming to pick Lena up from her penthouse apartment and walking Lena to the park nearby with all of the food ready in a picnic basket and a table set up and cleared off in the middle of the park just for them. Somehow, Lena was sure that Alex had helped Kara set it up since it was completely pristine, a blanket was already set up on the table, and there was a garbage can and recycling bin nearby. Everything was perfect, but the moment that really made Lena’s heart stop, that made her heart start to race wildly happened after they finished eating and had started walking around.

Kara had gotten up and taken Lena by the hand, leading the way around the park. They held hands as they walked, Kara swinging their joined hands occasionally. It was peaceful and something that Lena had always wanted to have with Kara. As they walked and enjoyed the sunshine outside, Kara was smiling with such brilliance and she was radiating brighter than the sun. Her smile was infectious and so Lena smiled back just as widely, grinning in a way she didn’t think was possible for her to ever smile.

And then Kara did something that changed everything, that made Lena’s heart feel like it might just burst out of her chest because that was how hard and fast it was beating. Kara pulled her closer just as it started to rain. She was shielding Lena from the sudden, gentle drizzle and Lena looked up at her, eyelashes wet with the rain dripping down her face steadily, and Kara leaned down just slightly to press a warm, soft kiss against Lena’s closed fluttering eyelashes. Lena’s heart nearly melted into a gooey puddle. She was always melting her cold exterior around Kara, but this was a whole other level of melting.

“You okay?” Kara asked, holding Lena close to her as if she wasn’t the exact reason for why Lena’s heart was nearly pumping out of her chest the way it currently was.

Lena merely nodded and wished for this moment to never end, but Kara, being who she was, pushed for them to go back to Lena’s place so she could take a warm shower to avoid getting sick, but when Lena got sick anyways, Kara was there every moment to take care of her like she said she would. And Lena wasn’t sure if Kara was aware of how her actions came off. She wasn’t sure if Kara was conscious of the fact that these are things that _girlfriends_ do for each other, more so than really _good friends_ might do for each other because friends did take care of each other, but they did _not_ tuck their sick friends into bed and hold them until they fall asleep. That was more girlfriend than good friend type of things.

_Are you happy after meeting me too?_

_I’m sorry I couldn’t do more_

_I’m selfish and unstable_

_I just wanted to do good by you_

Sitting here with Kara next to her as they binge watched _Wynonna Earp_, snuggled up to each other. Lena wondered if she had brought as much joy into Kara’s life as Kara had brought into hers. Kara deserved everything Lena could afford to give her, not just monetarily. Though it helped that Lena could buy Kara as much food as she needed since Kara’s salary wasn’t nearly enough to feed her as much as she needed to eat. More than that, Lena wanted to support Kara as a family, as someone who truly loved her and cherished her. And it slipped from her without her thinking much about it, without her filter and guard up to keep it from happening.

“Do I make you happy, Kara?”

Kara paused the show and turned to Lena. “Lena? What do you mean by that, Lena?”

“I just mean that … well … you’ve brought so much good into my life, more than I ever thought would ever be possible. My life before you wasn’t anything like this. When I met you, everything changed for me. You became someone who not only supported me but believed in me when no one else would give me a chance to do good. No one else would have ever given me a chance if not _for_ you, if not for your continued support and belief and trust in me, no one would ever have given me a chance let alone their friendship too.” Lena couldn’t look Kara in the eyes as she said these things. It was too hard to look at what must be earnestness and compassion in Kara’s eyes. “You changed my life the moment we met and I think that you will continue to do so in the future and I want to do the same for you.”

Lena felt Kara’s once comfortable grip around her tighten, as if she were trying to comfort Lena, soothe her in a way no one else would be able to do. “And you don’t think you’ve done the same for me?” Lena shrugged. Kara jostled Lena slightly in her arms, but never made a move to let her go. “You’ve brought so much good into my life, more than I can even count. It’s as countless as the stars in the sky, the good you’ve done, and how much you’ve inspired me to be even better in every way. The good I’ve done in the past cannot amount to how much more good I’ve done since I met you.” Kara pressed another firm kiss to Lena’s forehead. “You’re _so_ good, Lena. Everything you do and have chosen to do since I met you has just shown me that you’re a good person, one of the best people I have ever met in my entire life. You’ll never convince me otherwise, Lena.”

They watched the rest of the season relatively quietly other than commenting on the contents of the show and laughing at all of the funny parts together as well as cooing and awing over Wayhaught’s relationship.

_I’ve been waiting for a long time_

_I think I found a perfect love_

_Because you held me and gave me energy_

_Because you considerately hug me_

Lena couldn’t help how hopelessly in love she was, she was a Luthor in love with a Super. Being in Kara’s arms was complete and utter bliss, the purest delight, and Lena never wanted that to change, never wanted to do something to cause it to change because she’d never been so happy in her life. Lena had never wanted anything more than to be Kara’s than she did in this moment. And that would never, ever change. No matter what, Lena would make sure that nothing ever happened to Kara again in her life, so long as Lena lived.

_After I met you_

Kara changed everything in Lena’s life. Lena’s life after Kara was made better than it would have ever been without her in her life.

Chapters 4 and 5 available [here](https://ko-fi.com/post/Hold-You-Z8Z722FSB) and [here](https://ko-fi.com/post/Hold-You-Y8Y62WSW5) in advance!^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally the longest chapter I’ve written in months. I don’t know where it all came from, but you all get to enjoy this because hey, you’re not about to go outside anytime soon, at least I hope not. Stay safe as always! Please support this broke author if you have the means!
> 
> 姫宮光る


	4. Author's Note

This is not a chapter but rather an update because I lost my mother. She died in an accident that I believe was caused by another driver and she was one of three killed while the other two people are in the hospital, heavily injured. They say that she died on impact and didn't suffer. I am currently making everything available on Ko-Fi for free at this time and the next two chapters are on there for anyone reading this author's note. Link to my Ko-Fi account [here](https://ko-fi.com/himemiyahikaru).


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